Singled

How does it feel to faint and wake up to the same ceiling but not a concerned face? It is quite an experience. Scary experience.

How does it feel to know that the people who called you repeatedly aren't really asking out for concern but for your service only? It is quite an experience. Lonely experience.

How does it feel to really go everywhere and everywhere alone? It is quite an experience. Carefree experience.

I am being singled out. Easy to attack and easy to defeat. Not so confident when you aren't really walking righteous and in truth. Can't really say come what may. And He says it is just too bad for falling alone.

I am really ok with eating alone - in fact I really like to eat alone, I choose good food over good company, there isn't much good company to start with. But studying alone sucks.

It sucks big time, big big time.

It sucks to be a dispensable friend, but it also troublesome to be indispensable. So it still sucks to know that this blog is so different from others who enjoy the simplest things, which records of the little good things friends do to make their day. It sucks to learn and get to know so much from so many perspectives, be it the truth or not. And it worse that these are not the things we will discuss about everyday, things that defines true happiness, at least for me. Gossips and mundane jokes are seriously boring me. Or perhaps these things bothers me because I am alone and singled out. Either way, this is not where I want to be.

Japanese Studies taught me that Japan is a morally screwed up place, Singapore Society taught me that Singapore itself is no better either politically. Social Work taught me that social problems are never-ending, and social workers sleep with the problems. Philosophy taught me that morality aren't really universal as it seems, and Einstein said that Science is very much like Philosophy. Karl Marx says I am on weekly dosage of opiate, and Durkheim says that God or gods or human gods can very well be generated to suit the needs of the people in the functionalist point of view, such that NDP can very well be a religion too. The Bible says that it is infallible as the Word of God is constant throughout history. Confirmed by the righteous, like Noah, Daniel and Job, and the great men of God, Abraham, Moses, most of all, Jesus. But History taught me that what is really recorded down was only done so with an agenda, which might very well be twisted to suit as such. It is interesting to observe that the zest in City Harvest go-ers and that in Soka go-ers are so similar, such that it makes us not so much like the normal humans who are selfish, ritualistic, materialistic and cold-hearted. It is also scary to doubt if you are on the right side, when any side can be so totally convicted of their beliefs, and living lives in success as their beliefs brought. It is kind of scary to know that we are retreatist in Robert Merton's Strain Theory, where our goals aren't really like that of the majority, for we treat them as only temporal. While on the other hand, the eternal is based solely on only on faith.

How different is Sociology as compared to Theology? My answer to that in the tutorial is that Theology is what people mean to Religion, and Sociology is what Religion mean to people. It stumped me when my tutor said that Sociology can be what people mean to religion too. I thought then Sociology can very well be a religion itself, with no totems and rituals to speak of, of course.

The worst is you aren't really sure what is the truth. I don't think the constructed Bible studies lessons can satisfy this search for the truth anymore, although I shall persist. It is even more frightening to know that doubts are already devouring me even before I get the full counsel of God, assuming that the full counsel of God and doubts cannot co-exist that is. Although I know that true faith is not based on knowledge as "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see", but I tend to think that faith without knowledge is only but blind faith. What about SOT?

Well, before the humanistic connections, which are the only things left to make the world real, starts to break down upon being simplified to the simplest denominator of merely being an empty social function, I better pray. Before I start to use the f word to describe life, like before, all over again.

Even if Durkheim says that protestants, being more socially disintegrated than catholics as we cleave to God more than any others, are more likely to commit suicide.

But whatever it is, I know it worse to choose to be like what I am now, or further away, than to choose to cleave onto You. For this feeling of away is already here, and it does suck.

I still do tear upon remembering how You died on the cross even if it was only for me. I still do love You.

A meaningful prayer, really.
"Lord grant that I shall not seek so much to be consoled as to console.
To be understood as to understand.
To be loved as to love.
With all my heart.
Amen."

What's with the cup and refilling? It is a water cycle. And the law of the conservation of energy and matter. Nothing can be created nor destroyed, they are ALWAYS there. So I don't have to mull over and brood over why I am not being refilled, although I hate the concept of the last will be first, and the first will be last.

I guess love is the only thing that remains. How wise is Corinthians 13, such that the greatest of them all is really love. For faith and hope can fail, but love never fails.

I sincerely hope, and wish, and pray, and yearn for, that Hebrews 11 will teach me something, as a divine rhema, more than telling me that men should be the ones making coffee.

It is really not so much about me actually. I am getting used to it anyway, for turning into some social freak. Eek. There aren't really seasons nor time to console, to understand and to love - the time is all the time. I guess somehow some people got to learn it the hard way.

I should really go for SOT. But I can't really expect divine intervention to tell me whether I really should or not, or to provide me with the time ability and financial providence when I am having an internal conflict of the divine myself. Irony presented as such, somebody tell me how the answer can be sought?

The Best Place to Work at

Tell me, where else is better where you actually don't even need to leave your workplace at all?

Sniper

I might like to liken the new age David. I upgraded to an Artic Warfare Rifle. With deadly accuracy and range, I shot down reports one by one. Last night, I added on to another miracle far surpassing that of the 18-hour-2000-word-8-book-reference feat. It was a 12-hour-2736-word-9-book-refence shot. There are two more of such to go.

I wonder if I have got enough rounds? David had only 5 smooth stones, and it was more than enough for Goliath. Oh good Lord grant me with those magnum bullets. Best for the upcoming examinations.

Come what may. With God with me who can be against me?

"Lord grant that I shall not seek so much to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand all,
to be loved as to love, with all my heart,
with all my heart" - Doc Eugene Roe (1921-1998)

Names

Is it perfectly normal for me to say that I have a condition of with the name retaining modality in my cognition? It is becoming increasingly common for people to walk by me and say: "hey, zicheng!" but yet I can only reply with "Hey (erm) hello!"

To some the retaining of names in memory comes naturally, to some this transfer of lexical information (for names are non-words in the first place) from our working memory to long-term store depends on how much the name, and subsequently the person the name is referring to, means to the individual. The more the ability to retrieve the name and modus from the long-term store, the more the name mean to the person.

But I have a condition, as I said. I cannot really transfer names to long term store. It shows when I need at least 4 days to correctly address each new friend I met from my orientation groups, and 1 year to forget 3/4 of the names I came across in my own platoon. Reservist was kind of a learning session for me when some names seems like new ones to me, even though I remember I have seen these people before.

So please pardon me if I cannot remember your name when you say hi to me. I really have a condition which is certified. By me.

That said, nonetheless, for the majority of times, a great sense of guilt hovers over me when I hear the exclamation of my name, which penetrates my thoughts and mind in 90% of the times when I am in my own personal psychological space. Just because I cannot reciprocate with a response where the corresponding name is an essential content to make it satisfactory. With that comes a inadequate substitution of a sense of guilt in my hellos.

Clear Murky

Haven't see such a clear blue sky for a very very long time already...










The sky is clear of clouds, but my heart is getting full of clouds. Perhaps they all flew in there?

I am getting more and more negative about everything in life right now. I don't see the reason why I should be doing whatever I have been doing on a routine basis now. Sarah said I am so different from whom she knew last time, but I say I was contented for no reason last time. With no real me to start from, it is really quite confusing.

I am cleaving onto You, although I don't see why I should keep doing that, but I want to.

Using all my might.

Silence

I realised I haven't uttered a single word to a human today.

Thank God for prayers, if not I wouldn't have uttered a single word at all. Brrr...scary.

Well, we live in a scary world after all.

And, aiyo char was right, taking sociology makes one cynical about everything, from people to society, from jobs to interests. Even to my own faith.

Finding Nemo

Ever seen this movie? Kinda think we are all like the fishes that swim in the sea, like in the animation. Remember the fish traffic that resembles our traffic on the roads? Completed with red and green lights that signals go and stop for the fishes that swim in a particular order.

It is in the morning rush hour, the time when most youths are still sleeping if not for school, that we start to resemble that animation which sought to resemble us. Each of the commuters trying to get on or get off the mrt with the default, emotionless face. Each trying to make their way in and out of the door, the escalators without hue of Mr Phua Chu Kang or the "Please Keep Left" signs. It seems worse than the fishes because at least they have a red and green light which they all follow.

But like them, who couldn't care less of the people, or fishes, around us. We just make our own way around. It seems ironic to go for prayer meeting early in the morning when the journey there seems so loveless. We disregard unfamiliar faces on our way there, and worse, we even ignore the unfamiliar face that stands next to you whom also prays to the same Father, until Pastor says, "let's turn to our neighbours and start praying, for when two or three pray together, He will be in the midst of us..." And worse again, we get irritated by traffic, morning rush hour crowds, and occasional accidents. Yes, we get irritated at accidents, not worried at all about the casualties, but blame them for wasting time.

The morning rush hour is really scary, not as in the rush, but as in the loss of emotions in this peak of human transit.

We are like the fishes, that was why Marlin felt so desperate when nobody cared if Nemo was lost. When nobody wanted to stop and help. When everybody is absolutely each of its own.

"Every person you meet is fighting some kind of battle." I say, who will really care if others are fighting a battle when all we care is really only our own battle?

Indeed the Father reveals, and these are what were being revealed by Him after going for so many morning prayer meeting alone. Love is diminishing, and all so Corinthian 13 is getting obsolete. Eventually love will reduce to only romance, which gets so warped by media that divorce is becoming a norm rather than a taboo.

I once heard of somebody so into the Kingdom's cause that all she does is to sit by the phone and make cold calls. Yup, we have heard of irritating telemarketers and insurance agents making cold calls for business, but she is not any of those. She makes cold calls to ask for their faith, "Have you heard of Jesus, sir?"

Call her crazy yup, even I call her nuts, because we all so ethnocentric as we think that it is out of the norm of having a proper job that pays well. But to Jesus we are people like fruitless fig trees for all we care is whether we get our own water and sunlight, forgetting to bear fruits for the Kingdom. We are willing to make cold calls for money, but not for the gospel? This lady, according to what I have heard, has brought about thousands of decisions throughout her life, directly because of her phone calls.

Even as I say this, even as I point this out, well, it just seems weird for me to do that too. We only do what we are comfortable with. On the other hand, we are also cynical, and justify ourselves by thinking that this lady might have also pissed many thousands more with her irritating calls, bringing them further away from Christ.

I am so afraid Jesus might be so disappointed with all of His children when He comes again. Maybe that is why He is not coming yet.

So now there is really a new meaning to "seeking first His Kingdom and His righteousness".

Not trying to prove anything or justify anything here, just some of my thoughts from going to morning praying meetings.

~~~~~~~~~~

也许有时候放放一些闷在心中很久的气也无妨。

闷了好久，在心中逗留了好久。连我自己也被骗了，以为我没事了，以为一切都已过去了。也许还没，直到在听过这首歌。

这痛，我也埋了好久了吧？虽然痛，但是我还舍不得丢掉。就想拿出来看看，也许，也像是在折磨一下自己。

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚
绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音
不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今
终於让自已属于我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什么你
带我走过最难忘的旅行
然後留下最痛的纪念品

我们那么甜 那么美
那相么信
那么疯 那么热烈的曾经
为何我们
还是要奔向各自的幸福
和遗憾中老去

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚
绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息
最怕此生已经决定自己过
没有你却又突然
听到你的消息